The Grand Old Duke of York.

The Grand Old Duke of York
He had ten thousand men
He marched them up to the top of the hill
And he marched them down again.
And when they were up they were up
And when they were down they were down
And when they were only halfway up
They were neither up nor down.

And this is how it really happened

The Grand Old Duke of York had an army of ten thousand men. In his army were one General, ten Colonels, one hundred captains, three hundred lieutenants, nine hundred sergeants, eight thousand six hundred and eighty-six soldiers and three scouts.
One day he decided to give his army a break from wars and battles, and have a bit of a rest. The Duke sent for the General."We are going to have a bit of a rest" the Duke said to the General.The General told the colonels. The colonels told the captains and the captains told the lieutenants. The lieutenants told the sergeants and the sergeants told the men, "We are going to have bit of a rest!"

The Duke sent out his scouts to look for a campsite and after a couple of days they returned.”We have found a lovely campsite" they said. "It is in a valley at the foot of a tall mountain. There is a pleasant meadow by a quiet river. It is surrounded by pretty woods and will be an excellent place for a bit of a rest.

"Right" said the Duke. "Let's go". The Duke sent for the General and told him about the campsite. The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men "Let's go", so they went.

The new campsite was everything that the scouts had described. There was a wide flat meadow, carpeted with thick green grass and pretty meadow flowers. To the left, there was a deep, slow-running, quiet river. To the right there was a lofty mountain and all around there were deep woods. The soldiers pitched their tents in neat rows in the meadow. There were tents for the men who slept eight to a tent. There were tents for the sergeants who slept four to a tent. There were tents for the lieutenants and captains who slept two to a tent. The colonels and the General each had a tent to themselves, while the Grand Old Duke of York had two tents, one to sleep in and another where he worked on all his papers.

Everyone in the army liked the campsite. The river gave them water to drink, water to swim and bathe in, and water for their washing. They could hunt in the forest for food, and collect wood there for the campfires. The wide meadow gave them plenty of room for playing games, exercising the horses, and practising their marching, which they were pretty good at.

After a week or two, some of the soldiers started to complain to the sergeants. "I don't like this campsite" said one soldier. "There are too many flies. The ground is too wet and muddy. It makes our clothes and boots so dirty that we have to wash them every day". "I don't like this campsite either" said another soldier. "It is too hot, and there are too many flies.". A third soldier joined in. "There is not enough wind here to blow away the smoke from our campfires and all you can see is trees. There are too many flies. I do not like this campsite either.”.

The sergeant listened to the soldiers' complaints and told the lieutenant. The lieutenant told the captain and the captain told the colonel. The colonel told the General and the General told the Grand Old Duke of York."The army does not like this campsite. The ground is too wet and muddy. It is too hot and there is not enough wind to blow away the smoke from the campfires. All you can see is trees and there are too many flies."

The Grand Old Duke of York sighed. "Oh dear!" he said. "I thought this would be a nice place for a bit of a rest. Never mind. We'll find another campsite. Send for my scouts.". When the scouts arrived the Duke told them to find another campsite.

"Find me another campsite." he said. "One that is not as muddy as this one. One where it is cool and there is enough wind to blow away the smoke from the campfires. One where you can see more than just trees all around. One where there are not so many flies.

The scouts went off to search for a new campsite. After three days, they returned to the Duke."Sir" they said. "We have found you another campsite, which we think you will like very much. It is nice and dry, not muddy. It is cooled by a steady breeze which will blow away the smoke from the campfires. It has a wonderful view all around because you can see over the tops of all the trees, and there are no flies. "Excellent" said the Duke. "Where is the new campsite?". The scouts turned round and pointed to the top of the mountain. "Up there" they all said together.

The Duke sent for the General. "We are moving to a new campsite. We must pack up our tents and all our equipment and be ready to move by tomorrow morning" the Duke told the General. The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men. "We are moving to a new campsite. Pack up all the tents and equipment and be ready to move tomorrow morning." So they did. On the morning of the next day the army was all packed up and ready to march. "Let's march!" said the Grand old Duke of York to the General. The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men and off they set.

The army marched up through the woods all morning. The path got more and more steep and stony until, at about lunchtime, they arrived at the top of the mountain. The Duke sent for the General. "Here is our new campsite" said the Duke. "It is nice and dry, not muddy. There is a steady breeze which will keep us cool and blow away the smoke from the campfires. There is an excellent view, over the tops of all the trees, and there are no flies. Order the army to make camp here".

The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men "Make camp here!" they said, so they did.

The new campsite was better than the old one and soldiers were happy. They were happy because the ground underfoot was dry and not muddy. They were happy because there was a steady breeze, which cooled them and blew away the smoke from the campfires, and they were happy with the splendid view over the tops of all the trees. They were happy because there were no flies.

After the army had been at the new campsite for a week or two, one of soldiers complained. "I am worn out from walking all the way down the mountain to get the water from the river. I think this campsite is too far from the river."

Another soldier joined in. "Last night our tent blew down in the wind. I think this campsite is too windy.". A third soldier joined in. "There is not enough shelter from the sun here. Yesterday the sun burned my back. I think this campsite does not have enough shade". The sergeant listened to the soldiers' complaints and told the lieutenant. The lieutenant told the captain and the captain told the colonel. The colonel told the General and the General told the Grand Old Duke of York.

“The army does not like this campsite. It is too far from the river, It is too windy and there is not enough shelter from the sun"."Oh dear!" sighed the Grand Old Duke of York "I was sure that this campsite would be a nice place for a bit of a rest. Never mind.". "Shall I send for your scouts?" asked the General."Yes please" said the Grand old Duke of York.

When the scouts arrived the Duke told them to find another campsite. The scouts looked at each other. "Not too wet, but not far from the river?" asked one of the scouts. "If you please" said the Duke. "Not too windy?" asked another. "That's it" said the Duke.
"Sheltered, but with a nice view?" asked the third scout. "Precisely!" exclaimed the Duke.

The scouts looked at each other, shrugged and turned to leave. "No flies!" shouted the Duke after them as they left. The scouts were gone for three days. When they came back to the camp they were all wearing broad smiles. We have found the perfect spot sir" said the lead scout to the Duke. "It is in a nice dry spot .."".. with a stream nearby." finished the second scout. "It is sheltered from the wind by some trees .." ".. and it has a nice view along the valley." interrupted the third scout."And there are no flies!" they all said together, laughing.

The Duke sent for the General. "We are moving to a new campsite. We must pack up our tents and all our equipment and be ready to move by tomorrow morning" the Duke told the General. The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men. "We are moving to a new campsite. Pack up all the tents and equipment and be ready to move tomorrow morning." So they did. On the morning of the next day the army was all packed up and ready to march. "Let's march!" said the Grand old Duke of York to the General. The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men and off they set.

The army marched down the steep stony track into the woods. After a little way, the scouts led them off to one side to where there was a pleasant meadow, with a stream flowing through the middle. To the front there was a splendid view through the trees along the valley. The mountain rose on either side, sheltering the meadow from the wind. There were no flies.The Duke sent for the General.

"Here is our new campsite" said the Duke. "It is nice and dry, not muddy and the stream will provide us with all the water we need. The mountain behind us and to either side will protect us from the strong winds, but there is enough breeze to carry away the smoke from the campfires. The trees at the front of the campsite will shelter us from the sun, but you can see a nice view down into the valley between them. There are no flies. Order the army to make camp here". The General told the colonels and the colonels told the captains. The captains told the lieutenants and the lieutenants told the sergeants. The sergeants told the men. "Make camp here!" they said, so they did.

The soldiers pitched their tents in neat rows, as before. Those soldiers who had complained about fetching the water were happy, because all the water they wanted was nearby in the stream. Those soldiers who had complained about the wind which had blown down their tent were happy because the mountainside sheltered them from the wind. Those soldiers who had complained about being burnt by the sun were happy because the trees provided shade. Those soldiers who had complained about the view were happy because there was a nice view down into the valley between the trees. Those soldiers who had complained about the ground being wet and muddy were happy, because the ground was sandy and dry. Nobody complained about the flies, because there weren't any.

The Duke and his army rested there for several more weeks until one day a message arrived from the King. "Pack up your tents and equipment, it's time to go to war". The Duke sent for the General …But that's another story!