I had a dream in which I died

I had a dream in which I died. Well, I jumped off something high up and the end result was certain, I was going to be smashed like a bag of bones and offal. But in my dream I dropped more and more slowly and touched the ground very lightly and standing upright on my feet.

I couldn’t see much as I looked around. No scenery, just a thick brown mist or murk, like you might find at the bottom of a deep river. After a while, a patch of the murk grew brighter, then grew white and out of the murk appeared a glowing white figure.

“Are you an angel, come to take me to heaven?” I asked.
“I might be” he said “But you don’t believe in heaven and angels do you?”
“No.” I said. “But I seem to believe in you”.
“Have you come to take me to Hell” I asked. “After all, I was taught that suicide is a mortal sin and I have to suffer for all my sins. I do feel some guilt.”
“Don’t bother with all that nonsense” said the figure. “You are made the way you are and nothing can change that. You had no control over the times you were born into or the way you were brought up. Your parents brought you up the best they could and your teachers did what they could in the time they had. Whatever nature you had to begin with and whatever nurture provided you with and whatever circumstances you experienced led you to your decision to end your life when you did. Whether you like it or not your free will had very little to do with your decision. Besides there is no final judgement of good or evil or reward or punishment for your life. You’re dead, it’s over, that’s it. You’re a well read atheist and a rational man so you should know what to expect.”

“But what’s going on here?” I asked. “Is this an illusion generated by the last few flickerings of my dying mind. Do I travel to a bright white space where all my family are waiting to greet me? I’ve heard that people who’ve had a near-death experience tell that story”.
“This isn’t a near-death experience.” said the figure. I got no sense of irony or expectation but I knew he was waiting for me to work it out. I did.
“Oh.” Was all I said.
“I have heard” I resumed “that doctors and scientists say that when the brain shuts down, the last thing one perceives is that feeling of bright light and comfort.”
“That may be” said the figure looking at me. “What do you want it to be?”
“I’d like to see may family again” I said. “I miss those who died before me, like my Nan, and I’d like to say sorry to my wife and kids. I imagine my death must have upset them quite a bit.”
“You can do all that” said the figure, “if you want to”.
“But there are some people I wouldn’t want to meet again” I said. “People whom I have let down and those who bullied me and took advantage of me and hurt me, and those who I hurt. I wouldn’t want to meet them again”.
“You don’t have to” said the figure. “This is your death and you can have what you want”.
“This is all me” I said. “I’m getting it now. It’s all in my mind and in my imagination and I can have what I want and do what I want, but who are you? I know you’re not God and you’re not an angel. Who am I speaking to and how have you got all these answers?”

“I’m you of course” replied the figure. “Who else could be living in your head? I am the very best of you. You chose to end your life because you felt you were worthless and unlovable. I am you at your very best. You loved others and they loved you. You may have thought you’d alienated people with your indifference but what they remembered of you were the times you gave your time and energy to help them out. You were a kind and generous and industrious man. On your good days you were brilliant and the people who will remember you will remember that with love and affection. They won’t bother about the times you forgot to get them a cup of tea or forgot to get a birthday card. If they acted upset at the time it was only to get their share of your attention. Those people who tried to bully you and put you down did it because they knew you were kind and generous and industrious and they were jealous of that and you frightened them. You were a good man.”

I was shamed by this. It was true I was I had been bullied by those who were stronger and more powerful than me. I had felt rejected and unloved when I had attracted the anger of those close to me. That part of me that the psychotherapists call “the internal bully” had taunted me and abused me in the long dark hours. In these attacks I had lost my self confidence and my self esteem and ultimately my will to live. The despair I felt had led me to my death plunge, that one long step into oblivion.

“So what happens now?” I asked.
“You know what happens now.” Said the figure. “Recall your most satisfying moments. Whether they were holding your loved ones, or finishing a piece of work or waking up in a warm bed.”.
“Warm bed” I said.
“Hold on to that thought” said the figure.
I recalled the warmth and comfort of my bed, and the pleasure of waking from a night’s refreshing sleep, and that is all that there was.